Support for whatever you're facing

I am a specially trained relationship counsellor with a qualification at Masters degree level and have extensive experience of relationship counselling.

People can come to counselling for a variety of reasons, at different stages in their relationship and with a varied set of issues. The desired outcome is to resolve differences in order to preserve or improve a central, or perhaps the central, relationship in their lives.

The therapist is not there to force their own views onto the couple or family, or to give an opinion of what they should do. The therapist's role is to help them, together and on their own, to do what is best for them.

In some cases, it may have been decided that it is best for a couple to part. The role of the therapist in this situation is to support the couple in looking at the issues which may arise, and to perform a mediation role to allow constructive discussions to take place.

The role of the therapist is to help look at the issues in the relationships of the couple or the family unit, how it affects them as individuals, and how they can best change or resolve those issues. This is not always possible, but everyone can sometimes learn to accept their differences and move on. The therapist is a non-judgemental facilitator, allowing everyone to reach an amicable understanding of both surface and underlying issues.

Anxiety comes in many different forms — phobias, panic attacks, social and general anxiety. Indeed, it is normal to feel some level of anxiety in new and challenging situations. Yet while everyone experiences that 'normal' anxiety, for example before an exam, when does it tip over to become a problem that you cannot control?

For some people there is an overwhelming feeling of dread that something terrible will happen, even when there is no danger present. They may recognise rationally that the threat is small, but emotionally they feel overwhelmed and want to get out of there. Anxiety is one of the most common issues in counselling today, and while many can identify the cause, others struggle to be sure what is causing it. It can be very common to feel that you are losing control of your mind.

Fortunately, there are very practical steps that you can take to help deal with your anxiety. While it will always be part of a normal, healthy life, you can once again feel that you are in control.

Act on the evidence you have, not your uncertainty. If you feel you can't go to a party because everyone will hate you, ask yourself what evidence you have for that (feelings and telepathy are not evidence). A statement like "I feel self-conscious and nervous at parties, but sometimes I enjoy talking to friends" may better fit the evidence. By challenging the thought, you can do something different.

Notice what you have control over and what you do not. If you are having a barbeque, you have control over the guest list, the food, the date and perhaps the music — yet no matter how much you wish for a sunny day, you have no control over the weather. Concentrate your effort on managing the parts you can make a difference to.

Accept that life is uncertain. Those suffering from anxiety want certainty, and anxiety is a way of trying to predict and prepare for every possibility — yet we only seem to prepare for the worst. Ask yourself "what if it all went horribly right?", because in an uncertain world things go right as well as wrong. Try to hold a balanced view that all possibilities may happen, good and bad.

Like all skills, it takes some practice to overcome anxiety, and it will be easier with help from a qualified counsellor.

A demanding workload with lots of multitasking can be energising, motivating and exhilarating. There can be a sense of fulfilment in meeting each challenge and learning to balance competing requests as you stretch yourself personally and professionally.

A demanding workload begins to turn unhealthy, however, when you start to experience negative emotional fallout in other parts of your life. Stress can typically involve physical symptoms of anxiety such as shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tense shoulders and headaches. Certain levels of stress can be a motivating influence, but excessive amounts leave you feeling overwhelmed and demotivated, viewing your heavy workload as an insurmountable heap. Unhealthy levels of stress can also impact your physical health, with negative consequences for diet, sleep and relationships.

Counselling and psychotherapy can help you to assess your attitude to your work. It can be beneficial to acknowledge any perfectionist tendencies and where they might come from. Are there unconscious processes that make it hard to leave the office unless every single task is completed? What messages did you receive as a child about what it means to be ambitious, successful and fulfilled?

Staying healthy with a demanding workload means following a self-care regime that allows you to enjoy regular exercise, eat well, sleep well, take breaks and enjoy time off. It also means being able to set healthy boundaries, delegate where appropriate, and negotiate the demands placed upon you — that might involve politely saying 'no', even to the ultimate boss. Life is short. Try to embrace your working life with enthusiasm and find an environment that rewards your unique contribution.

Depression can present itself in many ways, and hearing of other people's experiences may help other sufferers relate to their own. Some say that one of the hardest things after being diagnosed is finding a way to tell people. If we continue to talk about depression, the stigma surrounding it will continue to shrink.

Often when people hear the word depression it is completely misunderstood, misinterpreted and wrongly associated with being "a little bit down". For this reason it can be particularly hard for those who do suffer with depression to speak out about their illness, and even to understand it themselves, because people generally have their own uninformed idea about what it means to be depressed — unless they, or someone close to them, has suffered from it. By being open and honest we educate those around us, and hopefully help sufferers to accept their own illness that little bit better in the process.

Depression is a complex illness that can affect any of us at any age. It is not simply a word used for sadness, and this is part of the problem. People so wrongly use the phrase "I am so depressed today", which belittles those who actually suffer. It is not something the sufferer can just "get over" — it is an illness much like any other; it requires treatment and a day-to-day battle at varying degrees, and there is no shame in it. As counsellors at At Your Side Counselling, we have the experience and passion to support you in taking back control of your life.

Low self-esteem is often developed in childhood; however, there are times in adulthood where low self-esteem may develop. Self-esteem problems in adults can sometimes be caused by your partner. If your partner constantly criticises you, undermines your decisions, or laughs at you rather than with you when you make a mistake, this can result in the lowering of your self-esteem. Sometimes your partner may not be aware of the effect of their actions; at other times it can be used as a means of control and may be classed as emotional abuse.

Low self-esteem can affect us emotionally, leaving us feeling unhappy, hurt, angry, frustrated, anxious, ashamed or guilty. It can affect our thoughts, which become negative and self-critical — "I'm so stupid", "I'm worthless", "It's my fault", "I'm a failure", "I'm not good enough". And it can affect our behaviour: trying hard to please others, becoming defensive when we believe we are being criticised, under-achieving or working harder to cover up our believed incompetence, avoiding situations and people including social occasions, and not looking after ourselves.

If this is happening to you, counselling can help. You and your counsellor can work together to re-build your self-esteem and provide support to help you make any changes you feel are needed in your life.

At Your Side Counselling provides bereavement counselling based on our experience and training, working within this field for various major charities in Scotland. This allows us to understand and help clients work through the issues which they bring to counselling at this very difficult time in their lives.

Everyone handles the grieving process following a bereavement or major loss in different ways and at their own pace. Counsellors at At Your Side Counselling work alongside our clients to help them come to terms with the changes in their lives which have resulted.

Trauma is an experience of being completely overwhelmed, of being out of control. Trauma can be the result of a one-off event like a road accident, being the victim of a crime, an environmental disaster or a terrorist incident. It can also comprise an ongoing experience, like exposure to and re-experiencing domestic or sexual violence, war or torture.

Trauma is actually very common; lifetime exposure to trauma amongst the general population is estimated to be between 60 and 70%. The impacts can be severe. We tend to lead our everyday lives around a belief that we are invulnerable, so a traumatic incident can leave us feeling vulnerable and helpless, with a sense of incomprehension at what has occurred, and sometimes a negative view of ourselves and the world around us. Trauma can also make us feel anxious and fearful; sometimes we may not feel anything at all, or we can become depressed. We can find difficulty sleeping, and we can sometimes develop post-traumatic stress disorder, which means we can re-experience the trauma via memories, intrusive thoughts, dreams and flashbacks.

How can we move on from this? Normalisation is key. It is important for clients to understand that what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing is normal, given that they have been traumatised. Compassion-focused work can also be beneficial, helping clients learn to become more compassionate towards themselves, their experiences and their symptoms.

A counsellor helps the client to identify trauma-related thoughts, behaviours and physical sensations in relation to trigger events. A strong therapeutic relationship can help the client to begin trusting their environment and themselves again. It is possible to come to understand that the trauma has ended, that it was in our past and is no longer with us in our present. Through exploring and constructing a story about ourselves and our traumas that makes sense to us, we can move on and re-build our lives.

Abuse can take many forms. Put simply, it can take place when we feel we are being bullied, humiliated, belittled or powerless.

When we feel we are victims of abuse, it is important to ask this question: "Have I dealt with being a victim?" If the answer is no, then the abuse has not ended yet, and we are likely to be experiencing post-traumatic stress.

Therapy can offer a safe place in which to discuss our feelings and the importance of living in the present. It can help us to safely let go of desperately holding onto someone or something — often without realising it. It is important to learn to feel as complete as we can be; knowing who we are, and being confident about who we are, can be highly attractive to others as well as bringing a sense of peace within ourselves.

Therapy with At Your Side Counselling can help with our own awareness. It can guide us about who we can trust in the future, when and for what. It can help us identify red flags and warning signals, pay attention to our inner voice, and learn to trust ourselves.

One of the common patterns people describe is suddenly exploding over what seem to be trivial things; their reaction seems out of proportion with the actual event. The reason this can occur is because of a way we manage anger often called "bottling". By suppressing anger — literally swallowing it down — we cope with it in the short term, so it can be discharged at some later point. Although this reduces our conscious awareness of feeling angry, we will still have a bodily reaction: faster heart rate, increased breathing, increased muscle tension, and reddening of the skin.

So, while "bottling" is a way of coping with angry feelings, it does not prevent the bodily arousal that accompanies anger. Repeated over time, it can become a habit, done in response to any feeling of anger, and can become so automatic the person is largely unaware they are doing it. "Bottling" is like using a dam: it holds back the feeling of anger to keep the water on the other side flowing more calmly, but it can only hold back so much before it overflows. Eventually one seemingly trivial event can push us beyond the capacity of our 'dam' and we explode into anger.

Counselling can help by enabling you to increase your awareness of when your anger is rising. You might notice the 'symptoms' of anger — a racing heart, faster breathing, tension in the jaw, arms and hands, and feeling hot — before you have the feeling of being angry. These kinds of insights can help you explore ways of responding more constructively.

Are you worried that your partner is becoming increasingly distant in your relationship? Do they continually make excuses for unacceptable behaviour? Have they become increasingly irritable and moody? If you are answering yes to these questions, it is likely that your partner is in active addiction and you need help and support.

Addicts often justify their behaviour as a lifestyle choice. However, you will know addictive behaviour when you start to see adverse effects on other parts of their life and on their relationship with you. Active addiction is a form of altered state of consciousness, when cognitive alertness and feelings are lost in the biological intensity of the arousal offered by the substance or the behaviour. So it doesn't matter if it's alcohol, drugs, porn or gambling — this altered state is a form of tunnel vision, as there is little consideration for anything else.

Here are some tips for surviving a relationship with an addicted person:

1. Accept there is a problem. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step in survival. Once you accept it, it is easier to take action and the quicker you can begin a journey of recovery.

2. Detach with love. Try to see the addiction as separate from the person. It is important not to enable them by excusing their behaviour, offering loans or bailouts, or failing to hold them to account. Detaching with love means removing yourself from being around their active addiction and avoiding the pitfall of succumbing to manipulation.

3. Work on your own psychological health. You may have been suffering alone for a long time. Having someone to confide in will be a useful source of emotional comfort.

4. Avoid collusion. It is helpful to see your dependency needs as distinct from the needs of the relationship. It could be worth looking at why you were attracted to them in the first place, as well as why you have continued in the relationship.

5. Acknowledge you can only control yourself. You can suggest how an addict can gain support and professional help, but there is little benefit in making them go. The initiative to stop and seek help must come from them.

6. Set firm boundaries. You could have a healthier relationship when you acquire the assertiveness to say "yes" when you mean yes and "no" when you mean no. Once you start to set firmer boundaries you can start to help them in a more productive way.

7. Focus on your own life. The most effective way to avoid enabling behaviour is to concentrate on the things that make you feel better. It is important to reclaim the focus for your own life, hopes and dreams.

Counselling and psychotherapy can help you to set firmer boundaries, review your past decisions and take stock of your future direction. Speaking to someone who is impartial, in a private and confidential setting, can be transformative as you decide what to do next. Support is also available through fellowships such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, GamAnon and S-Anon for families and friends affected by another person's addiction.

Bullying often involves an abuse of power. Bullies are often in relationships of power over the people they choose to bully, and can be found at work, within institutions like schools, care homes and prisons, within peer groups and within families. We know that the impacts of bullying are huge. It can make us feel small, humiliated, afraid, even terrified. It can also make us depressed and anxious, and can make us believe that there is something wrong with us.

An important life skill to develop is to be able to manage and deal effectively with bullies, and therapy offers many tools for doing this. Experiencing a relationship of trust and unconditional positive regard from a therapist can help us to articulate experiences of bullying, especially those that are extremely sensitive. A therapist can validate accounts of bullying by listening and acknowledging traumatic experiences, and can suggest formal and informal mechanisms of support that can be accessed to help.

Individuals want their stories of bullying to be heard and believed by another person. This can be as important as providing the coping skills and tools needed to deal more effectively with the bully. It is important to provide a space in which individuals who are bullied can grow and build their self-confidence, in order to stop any current or future bullying.

Workplace stress is something that is more talked about these days. A simple definition of stress is not having the resources to cope with demand — too much to do and not enough time, staff or information to do the task. Workplace stress can happen in any job.

When this happens we can feel threatened — that we may be seen as not doing a good job, that we can't cope. This is where our fight/flight/freeze response kicks in. Quite commonly we notice our heart rate increases, our breathing gets quicker, and we feel hot, sweaty, shaky, with an uneasy feeling in the stomach and muscle tension. Often added to this are cognitive distortions: "I'm not good enough", "colleagues will think I'm useless", "why can't I cope, everyone else does", "I'll be sacked" — which cause us to feel more stressed.

Working longer hours, people find it hard to mentally switch off, often thinking about work, and this can lead to sleep disturbances and reduced energy. This in turn can lead to reduced work performance, losing confidence in making decisions, and reduced motivation. It is not uncommon to use alcohol as a way of 'coping' or 'de-stressing' after a hard day — that's fine occasionally, but if the job remains stressful day after day, that glass or two can quickly become a habit, which then becomes part of the stress itself.

How else might workplace stress be spotted? The most obvious signs are a change in someone's behaviour — being more unwell than usual, complaining more, being quieter than usual, presenteeism (being at work but getting little done), becoming snappy or irritable, and changes in attendance. If you notice something changing in a colleague, take the time to ask them how they are. Rather than the usual "you OK?", try something like "I notice you're not your usual self at the moment — how are things with you?".

Excess stress over time is known for causing dangerous health problems, so it is important not to let stress build up. Recognise and acknowledge any changes that stress is causing as early as possible and decide what to do about them. Ultimately, it is down to each of us to decide that if the job can't change, then maybe a change of job is needed. It isn't a failure to change jobs — it's more about taking control and being content with life. Speaking to a counsellor at At Your Side Counselling may help you gain a more realistic view of your situation and options.

Do you have food addiction issues? Could you have a binge eating disorder? Is your food intake having an effect on your social life? Where is the joy and self-love in your life right now as you read this?

The essential features of binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating include: eating a large amount of food in a relatively small amount of time compared with others; feeling disgusted, depressed and guilty afterwards; eating until uncomfortably full, or past that point; seeing food as a reward for stress rather than a satisfier for hunger; using food for comfort and strength even when not hungry; preferring to eat alone due to feelings of shame and embarrassment; and being unable to control what or how much you eat once you start. You may also deal with your food intake in unhealthy ways, such as vomiting, laxative abuse, slimming pills, excessive exercise or severe restriction.

Compulsive eating is part of the cycle of addiction which fuels addictive behaviour: pain (hiding emotions, feelings and fears); the drug of choice, food (bingeing, overeating, obsessive dieting, restricting, grazing); temporary oblivion (the 'hand to mouth' action temporarily numbs feelings); negative consequences (health, employment, social isolation, relationships, finances); and guilt and shame (feeling unlovable, self-loathing, low self-esteem, not feeling worthy).

Many who reach this stage feel there is no going back — that their way of eating is set for life. Yet seeking professional help and talking through what is going on for you can help you understand what underpins your relationship with food and what is fuelling it. Counselling and psychotherapy offer a safe, confidential, non-judgemental space where you are listened to, encouraged, supported and gently challenged. Weekly sessions (more if required) encourage self-acceptance, increased self-worth and empowerment, so you can make informed choices.